


Fighting Memories

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-15
Updated: 2003-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 15:02:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12083526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian is involved in an accident on his way home and Justin must find the strength to help him fight his way back.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

The kiss lingered until both of us were breathless and gasping for air. He kept his hand on my back as we walked down the street towards the jeep. The night air was cold and I could see his breath, and it turned me on for some reason. But then anything he did turned me on. He was the most handsome man I had ever known. More than that he was the most honest and loving man, even though he never let it show to the outside world. 

 

I put a hand on his arm to stop him for another kiss, feeling his cock tighten against my abdomen. I moaned into the kiss, longing to be home in bed with him. I wanted to feel his arms around me, his lips on my neck, his cock deep inside of me. 

 

I woke in a cold sweat, tears streaming down my face and once again I reached out for his smooth skin only to find an empty bed. I had had the same dream for over two years now and always with the same ending. 

 

I slid out from beneath the warmth of the blankets and padded across the floor to the window overlooking the city skyline. It never failed to take my breath away looking over this city. I only wished I could share this with Brian. 

 

A chill ran over me at the thought of him. I turned back towards the bed and caught a glimpse of the photo on the nightstand of Brian and I with Gus. I missed that kid almost as much as I missed his father. I smiled thinking about Michelle, Mel's and Mikey's daughter. She looked so much like her father, and was just as whiny when she didn't get her way. 

 

Impulsivly I grabbed the phone and dialed, waiting for that voice on the other end. 

 

"Hello?" 

 

"Hey, Linds," I could tell she had been sleeping, but I knew she wouldn't mind me calling. This had become habit over the years. Whenever I missed him just a little too much I called her. She was my link to Brian, my only link.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two years earlier

 

"Brian? Brian are you home?" Justin called out for his lover as he dropped his messenger bag on the bar. Not getting an answer he ran up the stairs looking for him. He found Brian's suit lay across the bed and the closet door open. Inspecting further he found the still wet towel in a heap on the floor. Thinking to himself that this was unlike Brian, he shook off the uneasy feeling sitting in the pit of his stomach. 

 

Back in the kitchen he opened the fridge looking for something to eat while he waited for Brian to return. He shook his head at the empty space. All that was ever in there was cold take-out and bottled water. Pushing around a few bottles he found the small brown bottle that Brian always had even when there was nothing else in there. 

 

Brian loved to bump almost as much as he liked getting his dick sucked. Continuing his quest for food, he opened the freezer and was shocked to find ice cream. Taking out the container he studied it, taking in just one more secret Brian had kept from him. The only time Justin could remember there being ice cream in the house was when they had sex on the chaise. Even then Brian had only enjoyed it off of Justin's body. 

 

"I would never have guessed he ate ice cream, let alone Ben and Jerry's cookie dough." Justin jumped at the sound of his own voice echoing in the open loft. Putting the carton back in the freezer, he grabbed a glass out of the dish drainer and poured a glass of water. 

 

He let his mind wander back to that morning when they fucked for the first time that day. Brian had been more gentle and loving than he could ever remember. The way he had held him afterwards, the way he kissed him deeply before slipping out of bed for a shower. Justin's mind raced and that bad feeling settled back over him. He stood silently holding the glass, his breathing shallow and uneven as he fought the fear that threatened to take hold. 

 

The ringing phone broke into his fear and the glass slid from his hand, shattering on the tile floor.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Present Day

 

"Justin, honey, are you ok?" Lindsay worried about the younger man. He seemed so lost without Brian. 

 

"As ok as I can get nowadays, Linds." The silence was comfortable between them, each lost in their own memories of Brian Kinney. "Its just so lonely here without him." 

 

Lindsay listened to her friend fight back the tears that threatened to consume him. "I know. I just don't understand why you stay there, with all those reminders everywhere." 

 

"That's why, because his spirit is still here. I still feel him, Linds. It's like he's still in this loft with me, like he never left." 

 

"Justin, I worry about you being there all alone. When was the last time you saw the boys? Or Debbie? Or your mom?" 

 

"I saw my mom a few days ago. How's Gus?" I quickly changed the subject, not content with being interrogated by her. 

 

"He misses you. Will you come by in the morning to see him?" Lindsay was grasping at straws to try to bring Justin back from the dark place he had been in the last two years.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two Years earlier

 

Grabbing the phone, Justin stood in the shattered glass while his heart sank. Pushing the talk button he sighed with relief when he heard Brian's voice on the other end. 

 

"Sunshine, I'm glad you're home." 

 

"Brian, where are you? What's going on?" Justin sounded frantic and anger built inside of him at his lover's laughter. 

 

"I'm on my way home, Sunshine. No need to worry, nothing's going to happen to me. Slip into something stunning and have a seat. I'll be there in a few minutes." 

 

"Brian, please tell me what's going on. Why so secretive?" 

 

"There is nothing that can ruin this day, sonnyboy. Don't you know what today is?" 

 

Justin glanced at the calendar and for the first time that day, he realized that today marked one year since Brian and him had forged a new life together. It had been one year since Ethan and two years since Prom. Just as the chill ran up his spine at the realization that today was the same date as the Prom, Justin heard the unmistakable sound of metal on metal and shattering glass. 

 

"BRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Present day

 

"I can't, Linds. I have to go see Brian." 

 

"Justin, honey, you have to let him go. This is not good for you or him. Let him go, Justin. Please." Lindsay knew she was wasting her breath, but she had to try. Two years was long enough. 

 

Justin replaced the receiver and settled back into the bed he had once shared with Brian. Closing his eyes he thought about happier times as he drifted back to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two years earlier

 

Brian heard Justin's scream just as he realized what was happening. The other car came out of nowhere and it all seemed too familiar. He was spinning out of control, the jeep flipped over and over and all he could do was hold onto the sound of Justin's scream. 

 

His mind screamed against the pain and fear gripped him. Not for himself, but for what Justin would have to go through if he died. Just before it all went black he finally said the one thing Justin needed to hear. 

 

"I love you Justin."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin listened to the sound of Brian breathing and held onto the hope that he was ok. There was nothing he could do to help him, he didn't even know where he was. All he could do was talk to his lover and pray that he would be ok.

 

"Brian, please, Brian, hold on. I love you too. Don't you dare die on me, Brian. I'll never forgive you if you do. Don't leave me, Brian. Please don't leave me." 

 

Justin tried his best to keep his fear in check so that Brian didn't know how scared he was. He was still holding his cell phone talking to Brian when he heard the sirens outside the building. Running for the door he followed the sounds until he was outside running down Tremont Street. As he turned the corner he saw the jeep resting on it's top. Dropping the phone he ran towards the wreckage. 

 

A police officer grabbed him and kept him from Brian. He begged him to let him go to Brian but the officer would not allow it. Justin stood back and watched as they pulled his lover from the mangled jeep. Blood covered Brian's beautiful face and his body looked broken. A tortured cry escaped Justin's lips as he collapsed against the strong arms of the officer.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Present day

 

Justin dressed for the hospital in one of Brian's wife beaters and silk shirts. He had gotten into the habit of wearing Brian's things ever since the night of the accident. Skipping breakfast he walked the few blocks to the hospital in the falling snow. 

 

The nurses called out good mornings to him and he returned their greetings. He had become a permanent fixture over the last few years. After the accident Brian had slipped into a coma and had remained that way for the last three years. 

 

Melanie had come to him shortly after they had put Brian on life support and advised him that Brian had named him executor of his living will just months before. It was Justin's decision whether Brian lived or died. 

 

He had of course refused to even consider taking Brian off of life support. He had fought Joan for years over that decision. He still couldn't believe that she could be so heartless and would want Justin to let her son die. She had even gone to court to try to get Brian's power of attorney. Thankfully the judge had been sympathetic to Justin and denied the request. 

 

For the first few months Mikey and the gang had been around, sitting with Brian and talking to him. As the months drug on and Brian didn't wake up the visits became fewer. Justin never gave up hope that someday Brian would wake up. He spent every morning with Brian, talking to him and helping the nurses with his exercises to keep his muscles from deteriorating. 

 

Every so often he would come in to find Michael or Lindsay sitting with Brian in the evenings. Justin was still angry at them for giving up on Brian and let them know it every chance he got. This morning he found Brian alone and he sat down after kissing his lips. 

 

"Morning, Bri. It's snowing again. Remember that time we built snowmen with Gus in Lindsay's backyard? I can still hear his laughter and see your rosy cheeks and red nose. Do you remember how Gus called you Rudolf? I thought you would kill the poor boy for that. But you just picked him up and kissed his nose, calling him Blitzen and me Vixen. Then we shared hot chocolate by the fire and later that night we made love. You are such an amazing lover." 

 

Justin wiped the tears that had fallen from his eyes and held onto his lover's hand. He could almost feel him squeezing back. 

 

"Please come back to me Brian. I miss you so much. I need you baby. PLEASE." He choked back the sobs and sat in tortured silence for the next hour. Glancing at the clock on the wall he stood, kissed Brian and gathered his things. 

 

"I have to leave for a while but I'll be back this evening. Cynthia has an important meeting with Apple's promotion department this afternoon. The boards look great and she has a fabulous pitch prepared. She learned from the best, but she wants you to come back and help her run your company. So get your lazy ass out of that bed and come back to us, damn it."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian struggled to make his way back to Justin. He could hear him talking to him and could feel the sadness that Justin felt. He fought to open his eyes but something just kept them tightly closed. Every time that Justin held his hand, or kissed his lips, Brian's heart broke that he couldn't respond.

 

His mind reeled at the thought of Justin wasting his life all this time waiting for Brian's body to give in to his mind's demands.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lindsay picked Gus up from kindergarten and drove across town to the hospital. She had tried her best to take Gus to see Brian every week but somehow time had slipped by and they made it once a month if they were lucky. After her conversation with Justin the night before she was more determined than ever to take Gus to see his father regularly.

 

They walked into Brian's room and Lindsay pulled up a chair for Gus to sit in. Pushing past the chair Gus climbed up on the bed and kissed his father. He told his dad all about his new school and his new best friend, Jared. 

 

Lindsay watched in sadness at her son with his father. The doctors had made it clear to all of them that Brian's chances of waking up were very slim. He had shown no marked improvement in the last six months and they were not optimistic that he would ever wake up. Justin would not hear it. He was convinced that Brian would come back to him. 

 

If only she could have the same faith in Brian. Unfortunately she knew that Brian only did what Brian wanted. Though right before the accident he had been trying to change for Justin. He loved him and it showed. But was that enough to bring him back?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian's mind was cloudy again but he could swear that he heard Gus. His son. The only person he loved more than Justin. He fought against the blackness again, determined to wake up and see his son. Gus must be so scared to see him lying there. How did he look? Was he still covered in blood from the accident? How long had he been there? Did anyone even realize he was still in his body trying to find his way back?

 

Did they know that he was screaming inside? That he longed to hold Justin and tell him he loved him? Somehow he had to find a way back before Justin gave up hope.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

At the scene of the accident

 

The police officer held onto the young blond as he sobbed. All he could make out was that the brunet in the jeep was someone the blond knew and loved deeply. He kept a close eye on the young man just to make sure he would be ok. Once they had loaded the victim into the back of the squad he helped the blond across the street to the waiting ambulance. 

 

Just as Justin was about to climb in next to Brian he caught sight of the driver of the other vehicle and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was not just any ordinary accident. His breath caught in his throat when he saw Ethan Gold pulled from the mangled wreckage. Just as the door slammed shut he heard the laughter.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hospital- immediately following accident

 

I stood out in the hallway, wondering if this was what he had gone through that night I almost died. Had he felt the helpless? This lost and alone? I paced back and forth, not quite sure how I was supposed to feel. Did he expect me to just give up on him and let him die like this? Was Brian going to die? 

 

He couldn't leave me. Not now, not after he told me he loved me. I never got the chance to tell him I loved him back. I heard my name being called and looked up to see Michael running towards me. Had I called him? 

 

I ran to him, desperate for someone, anyone to tell me he was going to be ok. I fell into his arms and completely broke down. He held me close, smoothing my hair, and wiping my tears, trying his best to comfort me in any way possible. 

 

"He's strong, Justin. He's going to be ok." Michael's voice was barely audible but I clung to those words. They were my only hope. 

 

I don't know how long he held me or how we even made it through those few hours but we were sitting hand in hand outside of the operating room when the doctor came to find Brian's family. Michael and I stood, indicating that we were it and the doctor told us that Brian was still unconscious and in critical condition. He had broken both arms and his left leg. Several ribs were cracked and his fifth vertebra was broken. 

 

I cried softly as the doctor explained to us that the next 48 hours were critical. Brian was moved to ICU and I was allowed to see him for a few minutes. The doctor never questioned my relationship to Brian and to this day I don't know if he knew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Novotny Residence- night of accident

 

Debbie and Vic were just finishing up dinner when the phone rang. Vic answered and was suddenly quiet as he listened to his nephew's words. Debbie watched her brother in wonder, she hadn't seen him this quiet since the night of the bashing. In an instant her heart sank and she sat down, holding a hand over her heart. 

 

Vic faced his sister trying to find the words to tell her what had happened. Brian was like a son to her. She had protected him for years and this would just about kill her. Taking a deep breath he sat next to her and held he hand. 

 

"Sis, I don't know how to tell you this." 

 

"Just tell me Vic. Give it to me straight." 

 

"It's Brian. He's been in an accident. They aren't sure he's going to live through the night, sis." Vic held her as she wept. When she had calmed down some she looked up at him with tears still in her eyes and asked the one question he knew she needed an answer to. 

 

"Sunshine?" 

 

"He's ok, Deb. He's in with Brian right now and Michael is with him. He's strong, sis, he'll make it." 

 

"Of course he will, don't even think about him dying. You just keep those thoughts far away from me. I didn't protect him all these years from that awful family to lose him like this now." 

 

Debbie let Vic help her on with her coat and handed him the keys. She was too shaken to drive. Vic sped down the highway and pulled up in front of the hospital, running around to help his sister from the car. Just as she stepped out Lindsay ran over to walk in with her. 

 

"Lindsay, honey, where's Gus?" 

 

"Melanie's home with him. I didn't think I should bring him down now. At least not until we know something definite." 

 

"Don't you worry, honey. Brian is going to be fine. He's too stubborn to die. Besides he has Sunshine to come back to." Debbie listened to what she was saying but wasn't convinced it was the truth. She knew that Brian was strong, but was he strong enough to survive this?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Outside room 458- present day

 

Justin stood just outside of Brian's room, listening to Gus talk about school and his friends. He hadn't seen the boy in weeks and he instantly regretted it. Right after the accident, Justin drew strength from Gus. He was the only other person who never gave up on Brian. Gus was so young when Brian had the wreck and no one was sure whether or not they should tell him the truth. No one except Justin. 

 

Brian had been brutally honest his entire life and Justin knew that he would want Gus to be told the truth about what had happened to him. He had spoken to Lindsay about being there when they told him but Melanie had other ideas. She didn't want Gus to know anything about Brian's condition until they were sure what was happening. Justin remembered the argument that ensued the night he showed up to talk to Gus.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Marcus-Peterson residence - two weeks after accident

 

"Justin, what are you doing here?" Melanie opened the door to let him with hesitation. She had already expressed her concerns over Gus knowing about his father's condition and had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't to be told. 

 

"I came to see my lover's son," he replied steely. Pushing past her he stepped into the living room, looking around for the small boy who looked so much like his father. Not finding him he turned back to Melanie just as Lindsay walked in from the kitchen. 

 

"Justin, is something wrong?" She let the dishtowel slip from her hands and rushed over to Justin. 

 

"No nothing's changed. I came to see Gus, if that's ok." 

 

"Of course you can see Gus. He's upstairs in his room, let me go get him." 

 

"Lindsay, we discussed this." Melanie's voice sounded cold and Lindsay shot Justin a look of regret. 

 

"Melanie, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment, please?" Lindsay turned to Justin and excused herself with an apology. Once the door closed behind them Lindsay let Melanie have it. "Gus has the right to know what is going on with his father. He doesn't understand why he can't go see him or talk to him." 

 

"I don't want our son hurt Linds. He's just a little boy." 

 

"He's *my* son and I'll do what I think is right for him. So back off." Lindsay left her partner of nine years standing speechless in the kitchen. Taking the stairs two at a time she went upstairs to retrieve Gus. Picking up her little man she kissed the top of his head and spoke softly to him. 

 

"Hi there lambskin. Justin's here to see you. Would you like to go play with Justin?" 

 

"Justin. Gus play Justin." The little boy looked so much like Brian at that moment that his mother had to fight to hold back the sobs that threatened to consume her. Kissing him again, she held him close for just a minute before taking him back downstairs. 

 

Justin looked up at the sound of footsteps on the stairs and marveled at just how much of Brian was in his son. He had his father's hair and those eyes that demanded honesty. Justin couldn't help but think that Gus was going to be a heartbreaker when he grew up just like Brian. 

 

Lindsay sat Gus down in Justin's lap and took a seat next to them on the sofa. Justin absentmindedly kissed Gus's forehead, just like Brian had done days before. All of a sudden he wasn't so sure this was the right thing to do. His heart sank at the thought of Gus losing his father and never having the chance to say goodbye and he knew he had to tell him. 

 

"Gus, honey, Justin and mommy need to talk to you about dad." 

 

Gus perked up at the sound of his daddy's name. "Daddy? Gus love daddy. Want daddy, mama." 

 

Justin held the small boy close and tried to explain the situation to him. "Gus, do you remember when you fell out of the tree and broke your arm?" 

 

"Yes," the boy responded, interested in where this was going. 

 

"Do you remember how you hit your head too and the doctor wanted you to spend the night in the hospital? Well your daddy had a little accident too and has to spend some time in the hospital." 

 

"Is daddy sick?" The look of fear and worry that crossed his face caused both adults enormous pain. 

 

"Gus, daddy is not feeling well. He needs to rest so his body can heal. Did you know that he has a broken arm too?" 

 

"Your mom is right, daddy needs to rest. But I bet the doctor will let you come see him soon. But you have to remember that he will look kind of scary right now. His arms are in casts just like yours was and so is his leg. Plus daddy has some bandages on his head. He's still sleeping and he may need to sleep for a really long time. But if we love him enough, one day soon he'll open his eyes and come back to us."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

room 458 present day

 

"JUSTIN" My mind keeps screaming out for him but I can't get my lips to cooperate. I need him to know I'm still here. There has to be a way to let him know that he's right about me. How many days has it been since the accident? Where was he? And why can't I open my damn eyes and look at him? 

 

Next time he's here I have to find a way to let him know that I love him. God knows I never had enough time to him that. Does he know what I had planned for that night? Does he know that I want to spend forever with him by my side? Why the fuck can't I open my eyes? Why can't I come back to Justin?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pittsburgh Police Department- one month after accident

 

Detective Horvath walked into his office reading a file and nearly ran right into Michael Novotny. Sitting down behind his desk, his mind scrambled trying to find a reason why Michael would be in his office at this time ofnight. 

 

"Michael, what can I do for you?" 

 

"Justin said that he remembered Ethan Gold being pulled from the car that hit Brian. Has he been arrested yet?" 

 

"Michael, you know I can't tell you that. All I can tell you is that the accident is still under investigation and no arrests have been made as of now." 

 

"Was Ethan driving the other car?" 

 

"Michael," he started. 

 

"You owe us that much, Horvath. Was Ethan Gold driving the car that hit Brian?" 

 

"Yes, yes he was."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Liberty Diner- present day

 

Emmett entered the diner to find his two best friends sitting at their usual table, noses buried in the morning paper. Kissing both on the cheek, he slid in next to Ted. It had taken them some time to get back to the way things used to be between them and even now things were a little strained at times. Their breakup had been hard on both men, but Ted finding Blake again so soon was something that neither expected. 

 

"So what's so interesting that half of gay PA has their noses buried in the morning edition?" 

 

Ted looked up from the paper, unsure of how to tell Emmett exactly what they had all dreaded. Deciding that hearing it from them, rather than reading it in the paper would be better Ted took a deep breath and tried to find the words. 

 

"Well it seems that even in a coma Brian Kinney can make the front page." 

 

"What does that mean, Teddy?" 

 

"Emmett, Ethan is being released from jail today." Michael cut to the chase and Emmett's eyes filled with tears. 

 

"Does Justin know?" 

 

Ben chose that moment to come in and slide in next to his partner. "Morning boys," he said kissing Michael. " I see you've seen the paper." 

 

Emmett flashed Ben a smile and felt that pang of sadness that he was the only one of their friends not in a steady relationship. "We were just wondering if Justin knew." 

 

"He called this morning to say that he would be at the hospital all day. He didn't sound very good. I was thinking that we should all try to make an appearance there sometime today." 

 

"That's a real good idea, Benjamin." Debbie kissed him full on the lips before taking his order. "My son-in-law, always so thoughtful." 

 

"MA," Michael whined. 

 

"I'll take the first shift," Emmett said sliding out of the booth, dropping several bills on the table to cover his untouched breakfast.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Room 458 - present day

 

"Hey Bri, the snow finally stopped. I didn't think it ever would. It's been snowing for over a week now. I almost couldn't get out of the building this morning, the snow was piled so high against the door." 

 

Justin sat down on the edge of the bed and held his lover's hand and kissing him like he had done everyday for the last two years. He had been fighting back tears most of the morning since seeing the paper. He was still enraged that they were going to let Ethan go after what he did to Brian. 

 

"They're letting that bastard out of jail today. The D.A. said they could've held him longer if you had died. They all wanted me to give up on you baby. But something inside me keeps telling me that you are still in there somewhere and you're fighting to come back to me. God, if only I knew for sure, Brian. Are you still in there? Can you fight your way back to me? Please?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I'm in here baby. Don't give up on me. You're what keeps me fighting. I love you Justin. I love you."

 

Brian's mind was frantic with thoughts that he wished he could get out somehow. He listened to Justin and wasn't sure what he was talking about but the sound of his voice was soothing. The more Justin talked to him the stronger he got. Someday soon he would able to force his eyes to open and then he would have the chance to tell him how much he loved him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Six weeks after the accident

 

Jennifer had convinced him to go back to the loft and get some sleep. It was the first time since Brian had been taken to the hospital that he had been home. He hadn't wanted to leave Brian's side but he knew his mother was right. He did need to rest. He also needed to take care of bills and Brian's company. It was time for him to move forward, at least a little. 

 

The first thing he did was take a hot shower and put on a pair of Brian's sweats. Afterwards he sat down on their bed and held onto the jacket Brian had been wearing the night of the accident. As he held it close he felt the bulge in the breast pocket and investigated further. He opened the coat and felt inside the pocket pulling out a black velvet box. 

 

He held the box in his hand for what seemed an eternity before opening it. Slowly pulling the top up he was stunned to find two identical unity bands inside. Taking the smaller one out he held it tightly in his hand, running his finger over the smooth platinum finish. He held the ring in his hand for at least an hour before the crying subsided. 

 

He fished around in the pocket looking for any more clues about what Brian had planned that night. He pulled out several folded papers and opened each one until he opened the last one. The tears fell and smeared the ink as he read the words Brian had written for him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Room 458 present day

 

Emmett stood in the doorway, listening to Justin talk to Brian. His heart broke for his friend. He knew the pain of losing someone you loved deeply but he could never know what this felt like. He felt like he was intruding so he knocked on the door and let himself in. 

 

"Hey there baby." 

 

"Hey Emm, what are you doing here?" 

 

"Thought you could use a little moral support today. So I volunteered to be your babysitter." 

 

"Very funny, Emm. But you can go back to the boys and tell them I don't need watching. I'm fine. It's just another day." 

 

"I know that isn't true, Justin. And so do you. I know how hard this must be for you to have to come here everyday and see the man you love just lying there. Its hard for me to see him like this and he's not my lover. Sometimes it's ok to be scared and he won't hold it against you." 

 

"I can't Emm, not today. I can't let Brian down."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Outside of Pittsburgh Regional Jail present day

 

Ethan Gold stepped out into the snow and sun. He was finally free to finish what he started. His anger boiled at the thought of the years wasted behind bars. He had kept up with Brian's progress over the years through friends. He knew that no one held out hope that he would live except Justin. 

 

He had to get into that room so he could finish the job. With one pull of the plug he could kill Brian and destroy Justin at the same time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One year before - outside of Liberty Diner

 

Justin had stopped by for dinner before going back to sit with Brian for a few hours. Debbie had been so happy to see him out in public that she refused to let him pay. He had spent more time with her and Emmett than he had planned. It was just good to pretend to be normal for a few hours. 

 

He had laughed for the first time in months and it had felt good. Even he had to admit that his life was not what most people would consider normal. But he couldn't let Brian down. After managing to escape Debbie's bear hugs he stepped out into the rain, running smack into Ted. 

 

"Hey Sunshine, what’s the rush?" Teddy said steadying Justin so he didn't fall. 

 

"Sorry Ted, I was just trying to get out before Debbie noticed. I have to get back to the hospital." 

 

"Oh that's right, back to the vegetable." 

 

"He's not a vegetable Ted. Brian’s is going to come out of this any day now." 

 

"Its been a year, Justin. Time to let go. Why don't you pull the plug and let him die in dignity." 

 

"And what if Brian had done that for you Ted? You'd be dead. Everyone had written you off. Everyone except Brian. He saved your life. How can you even think that I should let him die?" 

 

"I was only in a coma for a few days Justin. He's been gone for over a year now. LET HIM GO." 

 

"FUCK YOU THEODORE SCHMIDT!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Room 458 present day

 

"Maybe Teddy was right, Emm. Maybe I should have let him go. Maybe I should just give up. If he was coming back he would've by now." 

 

"Justin, honey, you don't mean that. There is something inside your heart telling you that Brian is still in there somewhere. You have to keep on believing that. Don't let Ted or anyone else tell you it's wrong to love him or protect him." 

 

"I just keep thinking about the last two years. Emmett my whole life has revolved around Brian waking up. What if he never does? What if my love isn't enough to make him wake up?" 

 

Justin's anger was building and his mind kept telling him that he had to make a choice. He had been thinking about this for days and today, with Ethan getting out of jail, he couldn't stop himself anymore. With tears falling from his blue eyes he crossed the room and yanked the plug from the wall.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why is he crying? He sounds so angry. God damn it what the fuck is that beeping sound. I have to find a way to make him see that I'm still alive. Fuck why is it so hard to breath? OH MY GOD did he turn off the respirator? Has he given up on us?

 

Breath damn you Kinney. If ever there was a time that you need to beat the odds now is the time. Do it for Justin.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The monitors went crazy and the room quickly flooded with nurses calling code blue. Doctors ran into the room and Emmett ushered Justin out. He was still in shock that his friend had just disconnected Brian's respirator but he still had to protect him.

 

After a few short minutes the loud beeping stopped and nurses and doctors left the room in silence. Emmett began to weep silently while Justin stood with his head bowed. Both men looked up at the sound of a voice. 

 

"I don't know how to explain it, Mr. Taylor, but he's breathing on his own. We took the trach tube out and I was about to call the time of death when he took this deep breath and then his breathing became regular. He's alive. Brian's alive, at least for now." 

 

"Justin, did you hear that? Brian's alive? Can you believe it?" Emmett was overjoyed for his friend. He had been right all along. Brian was fighting his way back to Justin. 

 

"Emm could you go call everyone and let them know what happened? I need a few minutes alone with him." 

 

"Sure Justin. Take your time. I'll just be out here in the hall if you need me." Emmett kissed his best friend's cheek and watched him go back into Brian's room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm breathing. I'm really doing it. All on my own. Fuck, I'm really doing it. I can feel his hand on mine. I squeeze back and try my damnedest to open my eyes. I have to do this. I have to see his face again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I slowly went back into his room. I sat on the edge of the bed and put my head on his chest and listened. He really was breathing on his own. He was coming back to me. I couldn't stop the tears and I didn't even want to. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard just to let him know that I still loved him.

 

At first I thought I had dreamt it when he squeezed my hand. Then I fully comprehended what was happening. Brian was coming back to me all the way. Just as I was about to push the nurse call button the door opened and Ethan Gold stepped into the room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Now how did I know I'd find you here?"

 

"Get out Ethan." 

 

"Fuck you, Justin. You are so pathetic. All these years and here you are still sitting by his side crying over him. He should've died that night and he would've if you hadn't been here." 

 

Justin flew across the room at his former lover and threw him back against the wall. "You bastard. You should be the one lying there, not Brian. If you ever come near him again I'll kill you." 

 

Emmett stepped into the room and gasped. Justin turned at the sound and found Brian's eyes open. Forgetting about Ethan, he rushed to Brian's side. 

 

"Brian? Can you hear me? Oh god, welcome back baby." 

 

"Justin," Brian managed to whisper just before Justin kissed him. Emmett ran from the room to get the doctor. Everyone forgot that Ethan Gold had even been there. He slipped from the room unnoticed and left the hospital quietly. 

 

Justin held onto Brian as if letting go of him would mean he would disappear. Brian tried to speak again but Justin put a finger over his lip to stop him. "Don't baby. Just wait until the doctor checks you out." 

 

Brian reached a shaky hand up and wiped a stray tear from Justin's eye. "Don't cry, Justin."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An hour later the doctor motioned for Justin to follow him out into the hall. Justin kissed Brian and told him he'd be right back and then followed the doctor.

 

"Everything seems to be normal, which is a miracle considering he was in a coma for two years. We have to monitor him closely for the next few weeks and he is facing extensive physical therapy. Don't get me wrong Mr. Taylor, there is good reason to be optimistic. Him waking up is nothing short of a miracle but we still need to be cautious." 

 

"I understand that, but he wasn't supposed to wake up and he did. Brian's a fighter, doc. All I want to know is when he can come home." 

 

"Don't rush things Mr. Taylor. It may be months before he is released. What I need you to do now, Mr. Taylor is find out exactly what he remembers. Talk to him let him talk to you. Things are going to seem strange to him at first, just reassure him that you're here and he's safe." 

 

"That is not a problem doc. I'm not going anywhere."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I walked back into the room and found him frowning as he tried to pull the IVs out of his arm. I ran over and put a hand over his. "Stop, Brian."

 

"Why are you here? Why aren't you with your boyfriend?" he choked out hoarsely. 

 

"I am with my boyfriend, Brian." I sat back on his bed and kept my hands on his trying to figure out where his mind was.


	2. Chapter 2

Room 458 - present day 

 

"Mikey, why the fuck is Justin here all the time?" Brian had been trying his best to figure out exactly why the blond insisted on being by his side  
everyday. 

 

"Because he loves you, maybe." Michael looked at his friend with confusion. Justin had gathered the gang together and told them all that Brian seemed to remember nothing from the last three years. In Brian's mind Justin was still with Ethan and he was still alone. 

 

"But won't his boyfriend be angry he spends all his time here?" 

 

"No I don't think he'll mind." Michael answered the way Justin and the doctors had instructed him to. Don't volunteer too much right now, because Brian was still in a precarious state mentally. They wanted Brian to remember on his own. 

 

"But he's here all the fucking time. Why is that, Mikey? Why is it that Ethan doesn't mind at all?" Brian sensed that there were things his friends were deliberately not telling him and he was determined to find out what they were. 

 

"He hasn't left your side for a minute, Bri. As for his boyfriend, well, he loves and trusts Justin and I guess he knows this is the best place for him to be." Michael smiled at his cleverness, all the while hating himself for lying to his best friend. 

 

"Love and trust, what bullshit." Brian shook his head and swore silently "How's Gus?" 

 

"Gus is great. He misses his daddy, but Justin has been a real help to the boy since this happened. You'd be so proud of him, Brian." 

 

"Think you could manage sneaking him in here sometime? I bet he's been scared to death the last few days." 

 

"I'll see what I can do," Mikey lied. He knew that if Brian saw Gus, then he would know how long he had been in the coma and that could do more harm than good.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

PHYSICAL THERAPY

 

"That's good Brian." Marcia, his PT was happy to see that he worked hard, but she knew he had the ability to push himself too far. She was worried what would happen to this man who prided himself on his physical appearance when he fully realized that he wasn't able to walk at the moment. 

 

Marcia sat back and watched him work with the free weights and let her mind wander back over the conversation she had had with Justin earlier. He had told her all about Brian pre-coma and this worried her a great deal. His mental state worried her as well. 

 

Brian sat in the wheelchair trying to do what this young woman told him would help him build muscle back up. He wasn't good at taking orders and he hated that they wouldn't let him out of the damn chair. He could walk, you know. Only no one would let him. Damn hospitals and their fucking rules. 

 

He was straining and all of a sudden his mind flashed on something that caused him to drop the weight.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Three years earlier

 

The loft was aglow in candlelight and the two men lay on the futon, watching the end of Moulin Rouge for the 400th time. Brian's arms were draped over Justin, whose head rested softly on his lover's chest. He could hear Justin's sniffles and knew that before long the young man would be weeping openly. No matter how many times they watched the damn thing, Justin always cried. 

 

Just as Satine collapsed to the floor, he pulled Justin into a kiss. Pressing for entrance he let his tongue slide hurriedly into the warmth of his lover's mouth. His tongue explored places it knew from memory and Justin's hands found the waistband of Brian's sweats. 

 

Hands pulling at the elastic, his cock was finally free and growing by the second. Just kissing Justin could get him hard. He moaned loudly at the touch of his lover's hands slowly stroking his shaft. His own hands were entangled in the fine blond hair. 

 

Brian broke the kiss, for need of oxygen, not because of want. He let his mouth find that spot on his partner's neck and linger there. He bit and sucked and licked until Justin was begging him to fuck him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Present Day

 

Brian Kinney lay in the hospital bed with a massive hard on that he had had since that scene back in the physical therapy room. He still didn't know where the fantasy came from or if it had even happened. Why was he still having these thoughts of Justin? 

 

"Damn it Kinney, pull yourself together. You're acting like a love sick teenager." 

 

At the knock on the door he pulled a pile of magazines down on his lap taking the top one to look as though he were reading. Looking over the top he saw Justin Taylor standing just inside the door. "Well don't just stand there, you're already here, you may as well sit down too." His voice sounded cruel and mocking and he was proud of himself. He didn't want this kid hanging around reminding him of what he couldn't have. 

 

"I brought you some sweats from home. Marcia said you may be more comfortable in them than your gown. She said your session went well." He paused and waited for an answer. Not getting any he pushed back the tears and continued. "So how are you feeling?" 

 

"Fanfuckingtastic, can't you tell?" Brian absently rubbed his cock beneath the blanket, longing for the feel of Justin's lips wrapped around his shaft. Justin suppressed a laugh when he saw what Brian was reading. "So are you learning anything helpful in that magazine?" 

 

"Ummmm," for the first time Brian noticed that he was holding Good Housekeeping. "Yeah, there's this great recipe for Tomato Soup Cake." 

 

Both men fell into laughter and Justin reached out and grabbed the other magazines from his lover's lap, for the first time noticing the hard-on beneath the blanket. 

 

"Must be some recipe." Justin teased and reached out, pulling the blanket back. Without thinking he pushed back the hem of Brian's hospital gown, smiling at the reaction on his lover's face. Without hesitation he buried his face in Brian's lap.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oh God, he feels so warm, so soft. My hands find their way to the soft blond hair. It all feels so right, so good. The head of my cock pushes against the back of his throat and I am lost. Lost in the feel of Justin Taylor.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I don't know why I did it, just that I had to. I've missed him. I need to know that something hasn't changed and if sex is all there is right now, I'll take it.

 

His cock presses against my throat and I continue my assault. His moans increase and I know that he's close. His hands in my hair tighten and I know what he wants. We've done this so many times, I can read him like a book. 

 

His hand pulls at my head and I look up, seeing the look in his eyes I move forward. Pulling my shirt over my head, I kiss him. His hands fumble for the button of my jeans and pull. I feel the scratchy material being slid down my legs and I push out of them. I wasn't wearing underwear that day, partly because I hadn't done laundry in days and partly because I hadn't felt like it. 

 

I straddled him and spit into my hands, lubing his cock. I guided him to my hole and sank slowly down until he was pressing against my prostate. After a few minutes of allowing myself to get used to the feel of him, I began to move. Slowly at first, until his hands held onto my hips and took over the action of my movements. 

 

His breathing became labored, and his moans increased. I bent in and kissed him again, worried that we would attract attention. As he controlled my hips and his thrusts I leaned back and enjoyed the feelings. 

 

As he came, he whispered in my ear. 

 

"I love you baby."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Before Justin had a chance to respond the door opened and a nurse walked in. Looking at the scene before her she quickly put a hand to her mouth and ran from the room. Both men laughed and Brian helped Justin slide off of his rapidly softening cock. Brian laid him down next to him and held him close as their breathing slowed.

 

Justin was reveling in the moment that Brian had told him he loved him. Brian on the other hand couldn't understand why he had let this happen. He knew that Justin was involved with Ethan. Wasn't he? His mind screamed at him that there was something he didn't fully understand going on here. He couldn't take it anymore and had to be alone to figure this out. 

 

"Get out, Justin." 

 

"What?" 

 

"I said, Get out. I want you to leave. This shouldn't have happened. You have a boyfriend, Justin. Go home to him." 

 

"You know what, I'm so sick of this shit, Brian. When are you going to wake up and realize it's you that I love? That we..." Justin let his words trail off as he pulled on his jeans. Grabbing his shirt and jacket, he ran for the door. Brian spoke just as he pulled the door open. 

 

"Justin, what do you mean?" 

 

"You figure it out, Brian." The door slammed shut behind him, leaving Brian alone with his memories.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Loft present day

 

"Emmett, I don't know how much longer I can take this. He doesn't remember me or our life together. What if he never remembers? What if I fought for him all these years and lost him anyway?" 

 

Emmett didn't know what to say to his best friend. All he could do was offer a shoulder to cry on and be supportive. "Justin, you just have be strong for a little while longer. He loves you, Justin. He will remember that sooner or later." 

 

"God I hope so, Emm. Today when I was in his arms, and he was making love to me, it felt like old times again." 

 

"Wait a minute, you slept with him? In the hospital?" 

 

"Yeah, it just happened. But, it was real. It was more than just a fuck, Emm. He told me he loved me. For just a second I thought that maybe he remembered. But then he started yelling at me to get out." 

 

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. What did you do?" Emmett sat down next to Justin on the sofa and put an arm around the crying young man. 

 

"I left. And I almost told him. Why won't they let me tell him? He needs to know about us. What's going to happen when he comes home and finds all my stuff here?" 

 

"Maybe that's what he needs, Justin. Maybe that is what it will take to make he remember his life with you."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I love you." That’s all I hear. Over and over. But who's saying it? I can see those blue eyes smiling back at me and everything is right with the world again. Justin loves me. ME, not Ethan. He's here with me, in my loft, in my bed, no our bed.

 

The lingering kiss turns passionate, as they all usually do between us. He's pulling at my shirt, yanking it over my head. Before I know what’s happening I feel his mouth on my cock and I close my eyes, enjoying the sensations coursing through me. 

 

I wake with a start whispering his name, "Justin." 

 

"Guess again, asshole." My eyes focus on the dark haired man standing over me and I instantly become aware of where I am. He reaches out and runs a hand down my chest, lingering at my waist. "Not such a stud nowadays are you?" 

 

"What do you want, Ethan?" 

 

"So it really is true. The indestructible Mr. Kinney has fallen." 

 

"Fuck off." 

 

"See I can't do that Brian. You owe me. You took something that belongs to me and I intend to make you pay." 

 

"I honestly don't know what you're talking about, but you're really getting on my nerves." I tried to get out of the bed when it hit me that I couldn't do it. I couldn't get out of the bed. What the fuck was going on here? Why the fuck couldn't I get up? 

 

"I'm talking about a certain blond bombshell that threw me to the wayside for you. A man who can't even get out of bed. What a joke you've become. Do you really think he's been faithful to you all this time? That a sexual creature like Justin could go this long without sex?" 

 

A nurse walked in interrupting my reply and Ethan slipped out quietly.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I wandered around the loft, touching his clothes, longing for him. I kept thinking about that morning at the hospital. The way he touched me was so natural. It was almost as if he remembered all those nights we had shared over that last year. His kisses set me on fire and his body called out to mine.

 

Why couldn't he remember that he loved me? I absentmindedly twisted the unity band on my finger. He just had to remember. He just had to.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I absentmindedly twisted the platinum band on my finger not even realizing it was there. It was part of me and I just hadn't noticed it before now. Lindsay interrupted my thoughts and I momentarily forgot about the ring.

 

"Hey Bri, nice to see those beautiful eyes again." She kissed me and I tried my best to focus on her and not my thoughts. "You gave us all one hell of a scare." 

 

"Linds, where's Gus?" I haven't seen my son in days and I know he must be frightened by my accident. 

 

"Gus is at school, Brian." 

 

"Go get him. I want to see my son." 

 

"I can't do that, Brian. Besides the doctors don't think seeing Gus right now would be a good thing for you. He's a child and full of energy, much too much to be here in the hospital while you're recovering." She wouldn't meet my eyes and I knew there was something she wasn't telling me. 

 

"I don't give a fuck what the doctors think, Lindz. He's my son and I want to see him. Go down to the fucking pre-school and get him or I'll go myself." 

 

"You can't do that, Bri." 

 

"Watch me," I said pulling my legs off the bed, ready to crawl across the fucking city if I had to. 

 

"Stop Brian. He's not at the preschool. Please get back in the bed and I'll go talk to the doctors about you seeing him soon." 

 

"Soon is not good enough. I want to see him today. NOW, Lindsay." 

 

"If you get back in that bed I promise you can see him after school." 

 

I did as she asked and watched the emotions float across her beautiful face. She looked older than I remembered. Had my accident had that much of an effect on her? "Lindsay, I need to ask you something, but I need you to be honest with me." 

 

"Sure, Bri. What is it?" She avoided my eyes again and I began to suspect she was holding out on me even more. 

 

"Is Justin still with Ethan or is he with me?" 

 

"Brian you should really be talking to Justin about this." 

 

"You can tell me Linds. I just need to know if what the fiddler said is true or not." 

 

"When did you talk to Ethan?" 

 

"He was here a few hours ago." 

 

"Ethan was here? Did anyone see him, Brian?" 

 

"What's with the third degree. The nurse saw him when she came in to stick that fucking thermometer in my fucking mouth. What’s the big deal with Ethan visiting me?" 

 

"Just be thankful she didn't stick it up your ass. As for you and Justin, well let's just say you two reached a new level." 

 

"Is that why I'm wearing this damn ring?" 

 

"Brian, I have to go get Gus. I'll talk to the doctors and see what I can arrange." 

 

She hurried out of there as if her ass was on fire. Something was going on here and I was going to find out whether they wanted me to or not. I tried to turn on the TV only to find it not working. Grabbing the call button I waited impatiently for the nurse to answer. I screamed at the poor girl and made her cry but she still refused to turn the fucking thing on without the doctor's approval.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin stood outside of the hospital with Lindsay and Gus. He wasn't sure that this was wise but Brian had insisted on seeing his son. Gus held Justin's hand tightly, unsure of exactly what he was going to see inside. He looked up at the blond man who had been a daddy to him the last three years and smiled shyly.

 

"Poppy, what's daddy like now?" Gus had taken to calling Justin poppy right after Brian's accident and no one had bothered to correct him. Justin looked at the boy as his own son. He had stepped in and taken over the role of father when Brian couldn't. 

 

"Well, Sonnyboy," Justin had taken to calling Gus that in an attempt to give the boy something of Brian to hold on to. "He's older, and he's awake. Other than that he's pretty much the same. He just doesn't remember some things." "Did daddy forget me?" 

 

"No baby, daddy could never forget you." Lindsay reassured her son with a hug and kiss and the three went in to see Brian. 

 

"DADDY!!!" Gus ran straight to his father and jumped on the bed covering the man with kisses. Brian hugged him close, his mind reeling at the sight of Gus so grown up. He looked over his son's head questioningly at Lindsay and then at Justin. 

 

"Sonnyboy, look how big you've gotten. How old are you now?" Brian was fishing for information and Lindsay and Justin knew that Gus would be more than willing to talk. 

 

"I'm five. I'm in kindergarten now, daddy. I'm all grown up." 

 

"You sure are, Sonnyboy." Brian ruffled his son's hair and kissed the top of his head. "Maybe Justin could take you down the hall for a soda." 

 

"I don't want a soda daddy. I want to stay with you. Can I stay here poppy?" 

 

Justin caught the look that crossed Brian's face at the sound of his son calling him poppy and tried to ignore it. "Sure you can stay with daddy. But I'm real thirsty Gus. So why don't you come with me and help me pick out something from the vending machines and we'll see if they have any of those things you like so much." 

 

"Ok," Gus turned back to his father. "I'll be right back daddy. Poppy and I will bring you something yummy back, k?" 

 

"K, Sonnyboy."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One year after the accident

 

Gus was staying over at the loft while Lindsay and Melanie took the baby to a specialist in New York. Michelle had been born deaf and was now getting ready to be fitted for a cochlear implant. Gus spent many weekends with Justin at the loft. He and Lindsay thought it was good for him to be in his dad's home and Justin had become like a father to him. 

 

They had just finished a dinner of ravioli and a salad that Justin had insisted on having when Gus turned to the man his father loved so much and asked him if he would be his daddy until Brian woke up. 

 

"Uncle Justin, will you be my daddy until my other daddy wakes up?" 

 

"Gus honey, I could never take your daddy's place. He's going to come back to us someday soon, I just know it." 

 

"I know so too, but until then will you be my daddy?" 

 

"I'd be honored Sonnyboy. But please don't call me daddy, cause that would make your real daddy sad." 

 

"OK, can I call you poppy?" 

 

"Sure you can Sonnyboy." 

 

"Poppy, why do you call me Sonnyboy?" Gus looked up at him with inquisitive eyes. 

 

"Because that's what your daddy calls you. And I want you to always remember it. Your daddy loves you so much, Gus."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Present day

 

"What the fuck is going on here Lindsay? How long was I in the coma?" 

 

"Calm down Brian." 

 

"Fuck that, tell me, Lindz. Tell me how long I was in that coma." 

 

"Two years." 

 

"Two fucking years? Who the fuck gave the order for me to stay on a espirator for two fucking years?" 

 

"Justin did." 

 

"What? Why would Justin have the authority to make those decisions? He's not even in my life anymore." 

 

"Brian, you had it put in your will that he had power of attorney if anything happened to you." 

 

"And why the fuck would I do that? And if I was only out of it for two years then how is Gus five? I clearly remember him turning two but not three." 

 

"That is because you're missing a year. Shit Bri, I knew that this was a bad idea. I should never have agreed to bringing Gus here." 

 

"Don't you dare fucking hold out on me now. Tell me everything and tell me now." 

 

"Brian, I can't. You have to remember it on your own." 

 

"Am I with Justin? Are we together? TELL ME!" 

 

"Yes, we are." Justin answered from the doorway. His eyes were filled with unshed tears as he held Gus's hand.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Three and a half months after Brian woke

 

Brian was packed and ready to go. He had enough of this fucking hospital and the awful food. He wanted to go home to his loft, to his bed, to his bottle of Beam. His memory still only went back to three years earlier. He didn't remember his relationship with Justin, no matter how hard he tried. Glancing down at the ring, he wondered what it was that kept him from taking it off. 

 

The door opened and he glanced up to find Justin pushing in a wheelchair. "You're chariot my good lord." 

 

"Very funny. You don't actually expect me to leave here in that thing do you?" 

 

"Well considering that you have to use those metal thingys to help you walk, yeah I sorta did." 

 

"Fuck the chair and the 'metal thingys' as you so eloquently put it. I will walk out of here on my own two feet." 

 

"And pray tell, Mr. Kinney, how the fuck do you plan to do that when you can't even stand to take a piss on your own?" 

 

"Well unless you plan to hold my dick every time I have to piss, then you better let me do this." 

 

"Don't tempt me. Besides you aren't strong enough to walk out of here. Its only been three months since you came out of a coma." 

 

"Three and a half months. And I was strong enough to fuck your ass a few months ago. I think I can walk out of here on my own." 

 

"Don't argue with me Brian. You are not young and strong anymore. Sit your 35 year old ass in the chair and shut the fuck up." 

 

"Hey in my mind, I'm still a very young 31." 

 

"Yeah, well keep dreaming." 

 

An hour later they were home and Brian was resting on the couch watching TV. Looking around the room he called out to Justin who was in the kitchen heating up dinner. 

 

"Hey, what happened to my white couch?" 

 

"You sold it, along with everything else to pay for the ad." 

 

"What ad?" 

 

"Concerned Citizens for the Truth, or some bullshit like that. The one that kept Stockwell from being elected." 

 

"I sold my stuff? God I must have hated that man. Why exactly did I hate him?" 

 

"Because he's a homophobic prick. God, this sucks, having to remind you of all this shit. It could take years." 

 

"Yeah well, I don't have years. I have to get back to the office sometime. If I even have a job still." 

 

"You have a job, just not the one you remember." 

 

"I don't work at Vanguard anymore?" 

 

"Ummmm, no." 

 

"And why not?" 

 

"They fired you, Bri." 

 

"Fired me? They can't fire me, I'm a partner." 

 

"Yeah, well undermining a client kinda invalidates your partnership. Don't worry, you're very well off in your new position." 

 

"Where do I work?" 

 

"KinTay Advertising." 

 

"Never heard of them. What's my position there?" 

 

"CEO. You own the company. Well you and I do. And Cynthia is about to make partner if she keeps up the good work." 

 

"You and I have our own agency? Ok this is just too damn much for one day. I need a nap." 

 

"Figures, someone your age." 

 

"Fuck you." 

 

"Anytime Mr. Kinney, anytime."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

His smile lit up the room and I couldn't help but be thrilled that I was the reason he smiled. He looked amazing in a tux, just like Prom night. Only this time I swore that it would end with us in bed. We were attending a party for the new Mayor and it was a way for me to make a few business contacts.

 

I pulled him close for a kiss and let it linger until we were both breathless. My cock instantly tightened and I could feel his pressing against my thigh as well. Running my hand over his crotch, I felt him tense. He leaned closer and whispered in my ear. 

 

"I love you Brian Kinney." 

 

I woke on the couch, my cock hard, my heart racing. These dreams always felt so real, like I had lived them. Maybe I had. Maybe it was my heart's way of trying to remember Justin. The loft was so silent. There was no sound of Justin in the loft. 

 

Suddenly I missed him. I missed his laughter filling the loft, the sounds of his painting. I tried my best to stand on my own and make it to the bathroom. Just when I thought I had enough strength to make it, I fell flat on my ass. 

 

I certainly didn't want Justin to come home and find me laying on the floor in my own urine. Pulling myself across the floor and struggling up the stairs I made to the bathroom. After what seemed hours of struggling to maneuver myself on the toilet I finally relieved myself. 

 

Sitting there thinking about having to get back downstairs, I had almost resigned to just stay there with my pants around my ankles until Justin came home when the doorbell rang. Yelling for them to come in, I held my breath hoping for Michael. But luck wasn't on my side. 

 

"Brian? Sunshine?" Debbie called out, sliding the door shut behind her. 

 

"Fuck," I said to myself. Just what I needed was for Debbie to see me in all my glory. She was my only hope of getting out of here so I called out to her. "Up here Deb." 

 

"Are you decent?" She was teasing me but little did she know that I wasn't. 

 

"Not really. But I could use some help, Deb." 

 

"Where are you?" 

 

"Bathroom," I said sheepishly. 

 

She came in and I hung my head in shame. Never in my worst nightmare did I think that I would have to rely on Debbie Novotny to carry my fairy ass off the shitter. After helping me back downstairs she poured us both a drink and sat down across from me on the ottoman. 

 

"So wanna tell me how you came to be stuck on the potty?" 

 

"I woke up and Justin wasn't here. I had to go." 

 

"Good thing the bed isn't that far. You could've really hurt yourself." 

 

"Yeah, I did." I held up my arm and showed her the bruise that was starting to form just beneath my elbow. 

 

"How did that happen?" 

 

"I hit it on the stairs." 

 

"But your bed is upstairs." A look of enlightenment crossed her face, "damn it Brian, you could have really been hurt." 

 

"Its ok. Justin probably just ran out for a minute. He didn't know I would wake up." 

 

"Yeah, you're probably right. Hey I brought your favorite, tuna noodle casserole." 

 

"Deb, no offense but I hate that shit. I always have." 

 

"Hate my tuna casserole? But you always had three servings of it." 

 

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Sorry." 

 

"And here I thought you were honest to the point of not caring. Nice to know you still have some morals, Brian." 

 

"Listen Deb, I need you to be honest with me now. I need to know all about my relationship with Justin." 

 

"Brian, I can't tell you that. You have to just feel it. He loves you Brian. He never stopped. And most importantly he never gave up on you, even when the rest of us had. Justin saved you." 

 

They both looked up at the sound of the door opening. Justin backed into the loft dragging a thick piece of plywood with him. When he had dropped the wood and shut the door, he turned to find Debbie sitting with Brian. 

 

"Debbie, what are you doing here?" He kissed her gently on the cheek and moved over to put a blanket over Brian's lap. 

 

"I brought you some of my infamous tuna casserole. Which I recently learned is not all that appreciated."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I tuned out their conversation and let my mind take its own course. I thought about Justin and how comfortable I was having him here with me. He fit. It felt right, the two of us living like this. The only problem was that he slept on the fucking couch.

 

He said it was because he didn't want to accidentally hurt me while we slept. I didn't buy it. I knew he was scared. Hell I was too. I wished I could remember our life together as much as he did. Sometimes I wondered if he thought I didn't want to remember. 

 

Listening to them banter back and forth bored me and I started to drift off to sleep. My mind went back to a time I wasn't even sure was real. Justin was lying in my arms, both of us sweaty from sex. I was holding him, stroking his hair as we talked. I felt such love for him. 

 

I woke to find the loft dark, with the exception of the lights from the city around us. Justin was next to me on the couch, my head in his lap. The feelings from my dream lingered and I maneuvered myself so that I was looking up at him. He smiled shyly at me and my heart jumped. 

 

I wanted him. More than I've ever wanted him. But I had to know. 

 

"Justin, why?" 

 

"Why what?" He sounded concerned. 

 

I tried to ease his fears the best I could. "Why did you stick it out with me for two years?" 

 

"Because I love you, Brian." 

 

"You didn't know if I was ever going to wake up. You took a big chance, Justin." 

 

"I'd take any chance if it meant that I could have just one more day with you." 

 

I pulled myself up to him and kissed his soft, pouty lips. "Thank you." I silenced any reply with a kiss that intensified quickly. I pushed myself up and pulled him onto my lap holding him close as I assaulted his mouth with mine. My cock grew tight against my pants and throbbed for his touch. Our kiss broke and he struggled for breath. His eyes were full of desire and fear. I longed to erase the fear from them forever. 

 

His hand found my cock, and stroked me through my sweats. I gasped at the feel of him touching me. I had to control myself from cumming in my pants. He shifted to straddle me and pulled my shirt over my head. His mouth found my nipple and he chewed softly on them, eliciting soft moans from deep inside of me. 

 

I fumbled for his cock and pulled at the button of his cargos until the large, throbbing member was free for my touch. Wrapping my hand around it, I leisurely began to stroke him. His breathing quickened and a low moan escaped him. 

 

He broke our contact and pulled off my pants first, then his own. He pulled open the drawer of the nightstand and fumbled around searching for something. After several minutes he pulled out a condom and lube. My mind flashed onto something and I took the condom from him. Tossing it aside he looked at me questioningly. 

 

"Brian?" 

 

"We don't use these anymore, remember?" 

 

"You remember that?" 

 

"Nothing else but I remember that we were tested and I remember that in the hospital we didn't use one. I remember making love to you bareback. The feel of you, not latex." 

 

"That’s a start," he said kissing me hard. He opened the lube and squeezed some onto my dick, stroking me as he prepared me for the ultimate release. My finger found his pucker and pushed in, stretching him in anticipation of my cock filling him. 

 

Pushing my hand away he lowered himself over me, sliding down madding slow, inch by inch until I was complete filling him. He stay still while he kissed me passionately once again. Never breaking contact with my mouth he began to ride me. 

 

The sound of the door opening seemed so far away until I heard the loud gasp and the sound of something hitting the floor and shattering. 

 

"MOM," he said grabbing the blanket and throwing it around us. 

 

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I said louder than I should've. 

 

"Shit, honey, I'm sorry. I just never thought," she let her words trail off. 

 

"Well that is apparent, Jen." I held him still, my cock still filling his ass. "A little privacy please?" 

 

Justin pushed my hands away, and raised himself off of me. Wrapping himself in the blanket, he tossed a pillow over my cock and crossed the room to kiss his mother, carefully stepping over the shattered glass pan on the floor. 

 

"Mom, could you give us a few minutes to ummmm, well could you just give us a few?" 

 

"Of course, I'll just wait outside." She kissed him meekly and slid out the door. He turned back to me and let me have it. 

 

"That was a little rude, don't you think?" 

 

"Ummm no. She interrupted us. First the fucking nurse, then your mom. I'm beginning to wonder if we should just sell tickets to our sex sessions." 

 

"Maybe we should, we could use the extra income. Then I could hire a nurse for you and quit wasting my time here everyday." 

 

"Or we could just lock the fucking door." 

 

"I have a key," she yelled through the door. 

 

"Great, now she's fucking eavesdropping." I said pulling up my pants. 

 

Crossing the room to let her back in he called over his shoulder, "She's my mom, Brian." 

 

"Yeah, and that’s the problem. Can't she hate you like other mother's of queers?" 

 

"No I can't, Brian. Face it, you're stuck with me." Jennifer was starting to get on my nerves. 

 

"Great. Just what I need another mother." I looked over at mother and son, cleaning up the destroyed meal at the door, "I'm going to bed."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The insistent knocking was driving him insane. "JUSTIN ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR!"

 

Getting no response, Brian pulled himself out of bed and slid his arms into his crutches and took his time down the stairs, not wanting to fall again. 

 

Pulling open the door, Cynthia breezed past him looking around the loft. 

 

"Where's Justin? I need his help with a campaign." 

 

"Obviously he isn't here. And I thought I was the adman in this neck of the woods." 

 

"Well in case you forgot, asshole, you were unavailable for two years." 

 

"Well, I'm back now. Give me the rundown on the fucking thing." 

 

Cynthia pulled out the copy and the rough sketches handing them to Brian. He looked them over and his heart stopped at the company they were writing the copy for. 

 

"This is for Brown Athletics." 

 

"Yeah? And?" 

 

"They're with Vanguard." 

 

"No, they're with us. Have been for over a year now." 

 

"How?" 

 

"Justin." 

 

"How?" 

 

"Did you forget I'm blond and I have a great ass?" 

 

I turned at the sound of his voice and Cynthia laughed at his joke. 

 

"Tell him the truth, Justin. Tell him how you blew them away with your ideas for their new line of yoga wear. This kid is a fucking genius Bri. Without him we wouldn't have a company." 

 

Brian took in the information and looked back at his lover, wondering when Justin had grown up so much. He kissed Justin and settled back into the familiarity of work.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two months later

 

The agency was flourishing and Brian had settled back into the daily grind. He was impressed by Justin's work, but he hated that everyone turned to Justin in a crisis. He invaded every space of Brian's life and it was seriously getting on his nerves. His memory hadn't been cooperating with him and that pissed him off even more. 

 

He still got flashes of bits and pieces of his life with Justin, but nothing sparked the total recollection he so desired. More and more he snapped at Justin for things beyond his control. His friends had been filling him in on his life with Justin the year prior to the accident but he still couldn't remember. It was enough to drive a man mad. 

 

He entered the loft, tossing his jacket on the stool at the bar and called out for Justin. Hearing the water running, he knew that the younger man was in the shower and wished that he had the strength to stand on his own long enough to fuck him there. He had always enjoyed fucking Justin with the water flowing over them. There was something decidedly erotic about it. 

 

Sliding his arms out of the crutches, he slid behind his desk and hit play on the answering machine. There was a message concerning his physical therapy session, one from the DA detailing the court proceedings against Ethan Gold for violating his No Contact order. Nothing unusual there until a voice stopped him in his tracks. 

 

He flashed back to another time, another life when he had spent one fateful night in a hotel room with the closeted tire king. Why the fuck was he calling Justin? Pressing the rewind button he listened to the message again, quickly jotting down the info on where they were meeting. He didn't like this. He didn't like the thought of Justin alone with this creep who liked to fuck before signing a contract and going home to his wife and kids. 

 

He was still sitting at his desk when he caught sight of a naked Justin walking from the bathroom to the bedroom. His dick jumped to attention at the sight and he unknowingly stroked it. He watched as his lover dressed, still slowly stroking his massive erection. 

 

Justin descended the stairs, intrigued by Brian's stare. He couldn't see under the table and had no clue that his lover had a raging hard-on. 

 

"Bri? What's the matter?" 

 

"Nothing a blowjob won't cure," he teased. 

 

"Really? Think you can handle it?" 

 

"Oh I can handle it, it's you I'm worried about." 

 

"Well you taught me everything I know." 

 

"Yeah and speaking of that, why are you meeting Telson the tire king for drinks tomorrow?" 

 

"Well we are meeting to discuss his switching agencies. Its been on the books for weeks now. Did he call with the restaurant?" 

 

"Justin, I don't want you meeting him alone." 

 

"I've met other clients alone for years now Brian. I know what I'm doing Its just business." 

 

"Justin, he's not like the others. I forbid you from going alone." 

 

"Forbid me? Are you fucking crazy? I'm a grown man, Brian. I can take care of myself." 

 

"No you can't. You don't know him, and I'll be damned if I am going to let you go there alone." 

 

"I think I liked you better in the coma. At least then you didn't talk so much." 

 

"Well I'm not in a coma anymore and I remember this guy all too well." 

 

"Isn't it funny how you remember some random client but not your life with your boyfriend. Speaks volumes doesn't it?" 

 

"Will you shut the fuck up about that? You know I have no control over that." 

 

"Yeah well maybe you do. Maybe you don't want to remember your life with me. Fuck you never wanted to be in a relationship in the first place." 

 

"FUCK YOU." 

 

"Maybe I should've listened to Ted and pulled the plug earlier." 

 

"Maybe you should've, and then I could've come back earlier. You always were a selfish little shit." 

 

"I learned from the master." 

 

"I am so sick of your self-righteous, holier than thou attitude lately. You've taken over my entire fucking life. First my son, then my business, and now you want my tricks too." 

 

"I don't want your tricks, Brian. I never did. As for your son, he needed me. I thought I was doing the right thing. And without me you wouldn't have a business." 

 

"So you keep reminding me. The great Justin Taylor saves Brian's ass again." 

 

"You know what Brian, I'm sorry I saved your life. I'm sorry that I saved your company. I'm sorry I was there for Gus. But most of all, right now, I'm sorry I stuck around and tried to love you."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I stood dumbfounded as the door slammed shut behind him. He did not just walk out on me. That fucking asshole. My anger built until I lost all control. So many things contributed to my breakdown in that instant. My lack of memories of my life with Justin, my inability to walk without these fucking crutches, his leaving. All of it. I just couldn't take it anymore.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I just couldn't take it anymore. His attitude, his yelling, his fucking assholeness. Yeah I know it isn't a word but fuck it that's what it was. I just had to get out of there. I couldn't stand listening to him tell me all the things I'd done wrong the last two years.

 

All I had ever wanted was for him to live. I wanted the Brian Kinney I loved back. Why couldn't he just be the man I loved? Why did he have to be such an arrogant asshole? 

 

I walked for awhile, not really going anywhere. I somehow ended up at Debbie's. Shit I always ended up here when I had nowhere else to go. Vic answered my knock and let me in. He poured us both a cup of coffee and waited for me to tell him what was wrong. 

 

He listened without interruption as I laid it all out. When I was done he just shook his head. 

 

"You boys just have to make it hard don't you? And not in the way you're thinking. Justin, you love him and fuck we all know he loves you. He's had it rough the last few months. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come back from death? He didn't even know he had lost it all. Then here is this younger man, who he doesn't even remember loving, who takes over his business and his son. That has to be hard for him." 

 

"Well it hasn't been easy for me either. Damnit Vic, I only did what I thought he would want me to do."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian Kinney paced the apartment slowly, since that was the only way he moved these days. His anger grew along with the pain in his legs. He hated being so fucking weak. He had always prided himself on his strength and here he was practically a fucking invalid. Plopping down in the chair behind his desk he grabbed a file thinking that he could calm his mind with work.

 

Opening the file he saw the legal papers and wondered what they were. Reading them he found out about the court battle Justin had endured when Joannie tried to get Brian's power of attorney. Instead of calming him, he got angrier. 

 

He kept hearing Justin saying he should've listened to Ted. Fuck Ted Schmidt. Without him he'd be dead. Yet the bastard still wanted Justin to pull the plug. 

 

"FUCK YOU BOTH!!!!" 

 

Brian's anger got the best of him and he picked up a glass and threw it across the room. The shattering glass made him feel better. He rolled around the room in his office chair randomly throwing things against the wall. As his anger grew he rolled across the hardwood floor and grabbed one crutch. Standing he swiped several things off the desk and then in a rage he flipped the desk over. 

 

The leg of the desk caught on his crutch and plopped him firmly on his ass in the midst of flying papers. A sheet of paper floated lazily on the air in front of his face. Grabbing it he opened the page and read. 

 

Several minutes later, with tears streaming it all came flooding back. Every single moment he had spent with Justin before the accident. Looking down he saw the ring on his finger and knew what he had to do.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Four hours later

 

Justin hoped that he had given Brian enough time to calm down as he fumbled with his key in the door. Stepping inside he flipped on the light switch and gasped in shock at the mess before him. Brian was sitting in the middle of it all. 

 

"What the fuck happened here?" 

 

"More than you can imagine. I need something from you." 

 

"What now, a kidney?" 

 

"No the ring you have on." 

 

"But," he stammered at the request. 

 

"Just give it to me Sunshine." 

 

Justin sadly slipped the ring off and handed it to Brian. 

 

"Now can you help me upstairs, I'm tired." 

 

Struggling to keep his composure, Justin helped his lover to his feet and took his hand, helping him up the stairs. He stopped short when he got to the entryway of their bedroom. The room was bathed in candlelight and flowers. Just like the night he had moved back in. 

 

He looked at his lover, not quite sure what to make of it. Brian only smiled at him and motioned him into the room. Justin took a seat on the bed and Brian sat next to him. Facing him, Brian poured out his heart. 

 

"God, baby, I've missed you. I can't believe that I lost two years of our lives. I can't believe you stuck around this long. I love you Justin." 

 

"Brian? What are you saying?" 

 

"Shhh, just listen. The day I met you I fell in love with you. I just fell. I couldn't stop it. You've become such a huge part of my life and without you my life is empty. You've given me so much of yourself and I wanted to give you something back. I was walking down Liberty Ave a few weeks ago, oops a few years ago, and I saw these sitting in a window and just knew that I had to have them. I once told you that a ring was just a piece of metal, that it meant nothing. Well that’s still true I guess. What means something is the feeling behind it." 

 

"Brian, you really remember?" 

 

"Everything, baby. Now shut up and let me finish. I want the world to know how I feel about you. I want the world to know what we share. You are my whole world Justin. I know its taken me forever to get here, but fuck, at least we're here together." 

 

Brian held out the black velvet box and opened it slowly. Taking the smaller band he slipped it onto Justin's finger and placed the other on his own hand. He gathered his lover in his arms and slowly made love to him the remainder of the night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Three years from the day of the accident

 

Brian watched Justin walk towards him and smiled that they had finally reached this moment. Taking Justin's hand the two men turned towards the minister and listened quietly to his words about love and commitment. 

 

"Brian, you come today to profess your love for Justin. Will you love and cherish him, in sickness and health, with commitment and trust for all the days of your life?" 

 

Brian turned to his lover and answered , "You bet your ass I will."


End file.
